this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I have post one night stand depression
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