umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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