You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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