I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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