you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
