Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
