If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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