I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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