if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
