I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
