Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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