I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
