RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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