I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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