nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
