I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
