I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
