PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
