R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
