How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
