he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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