it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
