my room smells like sperm. sweet.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
