do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
