I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
