I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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