Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
