remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Welp...herpes.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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