please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
