I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
