Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
farters have to be the big spoon...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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