Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
