"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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