I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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