yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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