is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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