belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
