I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
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