i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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