I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
