goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Too much gin, very little bucket
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
did i just pee glitter
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
