just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
