you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
