Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
