is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
