He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
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i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
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I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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