stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
