i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
