her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
