I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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