omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
