Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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