come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
