I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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