You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
